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About Me Member Fantasy Writer D-Sabourin18/Male/United States Recent Activity Deviant for 11 Months
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Sadness vent.

Mon Nov 16, 2009, 10:26 PM
Just having a rare moment right now. IRL, I tend to keep to myself and interact with people only when they want to interact with me, when I have to interact with them, or I just have a rare moment of feeling sociable. Solitude isn't as bad as most people might think. When I'm on my own, I get a calm sense of peace with the world around me and a feeling of happiness... but it's a double-edged blade. Cuz with it comes a depressing sense that no one (outside of family) gives a $hit if I'm alive or dead. I know this is probably not true, but nonetheless it's a thought that constantly comes up when I'm on my own and there are other social groups around chatting, laughing and just having a good time. I'm too shy to really get to know people one on one let alone a group of people.... I usually cover up those depressing thoughts with anger. (internal, not external) I'll tell myself that they don't matter to me and I shouldn't care what they think or what they do since it doesn't have any effect on me and then I'll go on my way trying to feel at peace again. Right now though anger just isn't cutting it and I can't help but feel like I have no friends outside the internet and it makes me feel so god damned pathetic! What the hell is it that's keeping me from being more social??

The more I think about trying to be more social with people, I just keep getting flash-backs to other times I've tried and ended up making a complete fool of myself... in the worst possible way... or maybe they're premonitions that warn me against the idea. I don't know.

I just hate myself so much right now. I want nothing more than to be completely and utterly alone for the rest of my life, but at the same time I want nothing more than to be with people who accept me for the rest of my life. I want to kill the human race (myself included) with a sweep of my hand and at the same time I want to protect all people to make sure they live happy lives and I'm completely incapable of either. I beleive love is nothing but an illusion created by lust and therefor is completely worthless and meaningless, but at the same time I dream of believing and finding my one true love. These conflictions are driving me mad! It's a wonder that I haven't killed myself yet! (before you ask, nothing happened in my past to make me like this. My parent's are two loving, perfectly good people and I've lived a happy comfortable life.)

I'm sorry for venting like this, but I just feel so..... miserable right now and I just had to get it off my chest somewhere and like hell if I'm going to show this weakness to people in real life... they'd most likely call me a mental case and lock me up in a padded room and throw away the key.

  • Mood: Miserable
  • Listening to: good music
  • Reading: Angels and Demons
  • Watching: George Carlin
  • Eating: food
  • Drinking: water

deviantID

Devious Info

  • Current Residence: I live in my mind
  • Interests: it changes by day
  • Favourite movie: too many to choose from
  • Favourite genre of music: the good kind?
  • Favourite style of art: the good kind
  • MP3 player of choice: is there anything besides ipod?
  • Shell of choice: um.... sea shell?
  • Skin of choice: .... THAT'S RACIST!
  • Favourite game: final fantasy XI
  • Favourite gaming platform: PS2
  • Favourite cartoon character: Don't got one
  • Personal Quote: "With every day I live, I realize how stupid I was the day before."
  • Tools of the Trade: Microsoft Word

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Comments


:iconkielime:
thx for the fav ^^

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FFXI: Bootstrap of Phoenix
:icond-sabourin:
You're welcome. I was surprised I didn't fav when I commented on that one. XP

--
Sabourin: Local Vampire Mage of Lakshmi server 75BLU/37SCH

Avatar made by Aura-Of-Enigma
:iconkielime:
haha thts np thank u for the fav! ^^ <3

--
FFXI: Bootstrap of Phoenix
:icondawgjr:
DX...I cannot believe that I was not watching you T_T

*epic shame* :iconcryingplz: TT_____TT

OYE DX;

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"They say all stories must come to an end...they were wrong"
~DJ~

"Pulling a DJ" Verb = Attempting to squeeze into a place smaller than one's own body and mass, and getting stuck, trapped, or wedged.... <_<; OYE!

~Avatar made by myself >w<;
:icond-sabourin:
lol ^^; {/comfort}

Don't worry about it, besides when I started watching you, I was just a stranger. lol Actually, I still am. I don't consider talking w/ people online as a form of meeting someone. >.>

--
Sabourin: Local Vampire Mage of Lakshmi server 75BLU/37SCH

Avatar made by Aura-Of-Enigma
:iconsorakazuma:
/stalk >.>

=3

--
Akhail (Diabolos)
75DRG, 75COR, 75 WHM
[Final Fantasy XI Online]

Natawna, Kisana, Sorayuki (Stormreaver)
80 Warlock, 74 Priest, 47 Hunter
[World of Warcraft]

Sorayuki, Sigaed, Baird (Vaizel)
11 Spiritmaster, 10 Templar, 16 Ranger
[Aion]
:icond-sabourin:
{/panic}

/magic {Invisible} <me>

lol

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Sabourin: Local Vampire Mage of Lakshmi server 75BLU/37SCH

Avatar made by Aura-Of-Enigma
:iconwitheringmoon:
Thank you for the watch! :D :D Most definitely watching you back~
:icond-sabourin:
lol, thank you. ^^

--
Sabourin: Local Vampire Mage of Lakshmi server 75BLU/37SCH

Avatar made by Aura-Of-Enigma
:iconlovelydagger:
Thank you for the favorite! ^^

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ಠܫಠ F.O.E F.O.E
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