Just having a rare moment right now. IRL, I tend to keep to myself and interact with people only when they want to interact with me, when I have to interact with them, or I just have a rare moment of feeling sociable. Solitude isn't as bad as most people might think. When I'm on my own, I get a calm sense of peace with the world around me and a feeling of happiness... but it's a double-edged blade. Cuz with it comes a depressing sense that no one (outside of family) gives a $hit if I'm alive or dead. I know this is probably not true, but nonetheless it's a thought that constantly comes up when I'm on my own and there are other social groups around chatting, laughing and just having a good time. I'm too shy to really get to know people one on one let alone a group of people.... I usually cover up those depressing thoughts with anger. (internal, not external) I'll tell myself that they don't matter to me and I shouldn't care what they think or what they do since it doesn't have any effect on me and then I'll go on my way trying to feel at peace again. Right now though anger just isn't cutting it and I can't help but feel like I have no friends outside the internet and it makes me feel so god damned pathetic! What the hell is it that's keeping me from being more social??

The more I think about trying to be more social with people, I just keep getting flash-backs to other times I've tried and ended up making a complete fool of myself... in the worst possible way... or maybe they're premonitions that warn me against the idea. I don't know.

I just hate myself so much right now. I want nothing more than to be completely and utterly alone for the rest of my life, but at the same time I want nothing more than to be with people who accept me for the rest of my life. I want to kill the human race (myself included) with a sweep of my hand and at the same time I want to protect all people to make sure they live happy lives and I'm completely incapable of either. I beleive love is nothing but an illusion created by lust and therefor is completely worthless and meaningless, but at the same time I dream of believing and finding my one true love. These conflictions are driving me mad! It's a wonder that I haven't killed myself yet! (before you ask, nothing happened in my past to make me like this. My parent's are two loving, perfectly good people and I've lived a happy comfortable life.)

I'm sorry for venting like this, but I just feel so..... miserable right now and I just had to get it off my chest somewhere and like hell if I'm going to show this weakness to people in real life... they'd most likely call me a mental case and lock me up in a padded room and throw away the key.